I first came out in high school to my friend Alex who was also gay, I said, "Alex -- I think I'm gay", and she said, "You're not gay you're just a slut"
I mean she wasn't wrong -- but this didn't deter me
I went to my friend Katya, and I said, "Katya I think I'm gay" -- and she said, "you slept with a man yesterday -- I think you're bi not gay"
It wasn't until college that I learned vocabulary like queer, poly & agender.
One year when I was with my family for thanksgiving and a couple coctails into the evening, my uncle tried to get me to come out to my dad -- I said, "Isn't everyone a little bit queer?"
He said "Not everyone is that creative."
But I did finally come out to my friends and family -- When I proposed to my Wife Regina.
She had casually mentioned once that there as a mass marriage event on the west bank, in case gay marriage became overturned under Trump and, "did I want to go?" -- my response was "maybe?"
Years back I had participated in a jewish youth group in my mid 20s where the leaders had asked if we thought that Gay marriage should be legal in Isreal. Go to the left, if you think yes, go the right side if you think no. Everyone but one person went to the left -- when the leaders asked her why -- she said, 'Even if gay marriage were legal, it would not leave room for the polyamorous relationships traditional to the bedouin community native to where we're staying -- Marriage has no place in the government, it's a cultural practice' Needless to say she went on to study international law, and I one hundred percent agree with her.
But I took the hint from Regina, and on a trip out to st. Joe at sunset I got down on one knee and proposed with my mothers wedding ring (though she wears one i got off temu that was $1 for 3)
We decided to get married at the beach because it was a childhood dream of mine -- that way you're not space limited on how many people you invite -- and I find the ocean to be both beautiful in terrifying in it's expansiveness, much like relationships'
I got layed off in August 2024, and my dad told me I shouldn't let my health insurance lapse. So on the last possible day to get on Regina's health insurance before the end of the month, we decided to get paper married. She only took a half day off of work as a garden teacher, and said she had a 'doctors appointment' & told her co-teacher shiraf the truth who would cover the class (because we were saving all our vacation days for the picture wedding)-- My freind Ali who runs a tarot hearse and her partner Bryan agreed to be our witnesses'
That morning Ali set up a beautiful spread at the gracious bakery near her house with my grandmothers table cloth that she uses in her hearse and her nicest mugs. She bought us breakfast and the four of us to the streetcar downtown and that walked to the courthouse only to find out -- You can't get married same day in orleans parish -- there are no judges willing to do it. You have to go to Gretna.
Any of y'all thinking about getting same day married in Orleans parish? Well you can't -- hot tip, now we know.
So we took the streetcar back, hopped in Regina's car -- texted her co-worker that the "doctors appointment" was taking longer than expected. At the gretna courthouse there was another lesbian couple who had been together for 10 years and were finally just doing the paperwork. This felt like a stroke of luck, an auspicious sign for our relationship. We all took a photo togther -- Then we went in and signed the papers, said our I dos & exchanged rings.
As we left in our camping overalls getting married & on the ride home Bryan asked me if I felt any different? I said I was happy to have health insurance but not really.
Fastforward to May 2024 -- we thought that having our wedding 3 hours from New Orleans and two hours from any major airport would deter people from coming but it didn't. We had about 130 people but every single one of them did something to help out -- the only paid help we had was food the day of the wedding a jamaican restaurant that had gone out of business since we had decided to get married had a verbal contract with us, where he said "I got you, baby" and that he did, As did our community.
Friends did the crawfish boil, reginas aunt rented a truck for the carcasses. Freinds brought speakers to dj, and did the ceremony & all of reginas family baked cookies for the reception, Reginas mother juiced an ungodly amount of lemons, my college boyfriend became our best man, regina's sister our coordinator, everyone set up and cleaned up in a flury, my father brought a suitcase full of bagels from NJ for brunch in the morning and I had regina shave my head as is traditional for orthodox jews near where I grew up. Then we ran into the ocean, and it all felt so good.
Someone asked me, "do I feel different?" Hell yeah I feel different! I haven't slept in 3 days because we've stayed up partying around a bonfire, and I've never felt more supported by our family and community in my entire life.
If marriage is a tradition to celebrate the joining of resources, we our so rich in our community. I feel so lucky that we had the excuse to bring everyone together, and that I met someone that I want to plan my future with, that every day I wake up and I feel in love with this person and they feel the same way. How lucky is that? through all the chaos, we want to be together.
Before the ceremony -- one of our friends took our rings and had everyone attending touch them and give us their blessings and our friend's son Wes maybe 8 or 9 running around blessed us with "chaos" and when we did our first dance in frog costumes and they deflated mid dance, he exclaimed surprised and excitedly, "It was them all along!"' Our friends brought their newborn Camino to the ocean for the first time, and after the dance, I got to hold this crying cutest fresh baby until he went back to sleep. We had this community all along.
But we were blessed by the beautiful messy chaos of gathering all of our people in one place-- and though it's messy and chaotic, it's our blessed beautiful messy chaos, & I wouldn't have it any other way. ...